Some time ago I was listening to Lonely Island’s Jack Sparrow and realized the way the song was worded, I could easily make them all sound like bronies. So I did. The end result features Twilight Sparkle in good old Jack’s place, with a few references to other shows, one of which the entirety of my knowledge comes from the TVTropes entry for it.

—–

Twilight Sparkle Lyrics

Secretary: Guys, Michael Bolton is here

Oh Great, send him in.

Michael Bolton: Hey guys.

Hey, hi, thanks for coming

Michael Bolton: Sorry I’m late, I got caught up watching that Friendship is Magic marathon. Have you seen those things?

Oh yeah, yeah, those are, those are great.

Michael Bolton: Well, I checked out the track and I loved it. And I wrote you this big sexy hook I think you’re really gonna dig.

Oh wow that’s great, awesome. Should we just lay it down?

Michael Bolton: Boys, lets get to it.

Whisper: Here we go.

Ungh, Lonely Island, Michael Bolton
YEAAAHH!
The night starts now
Together on the track, the boys are back
The night starts now
Night starts now baby roll with us, chickens snapping at the neck when we rollin’ up.
ROLLIN’ UP
Blow through the doors ain’t no holdin’ up
YEAH
Black card at the bar like I gives a ****.
COME ON
Ladies shifty eyed when we walk into the set, **** the fellas looking jealous play the back and get wet
YEAH YEAH
Three pound in my waist, shank in my sock, you either get cut, get stuffed or get shot.

THIS IS THE TALE OF MS. TWILIGHT SPARKLE, PONY SO STRONG SHE BROKE HER EXAM ROOM
What?
A MYSTICAL QUEST TO THE EVERFREE FOREST, NAVY LOCKS SWAY ON THE FOREST’S BREEZE.

Yeah that was kinda weird, but we’re back in the club
Buying up the bar so the groupies show us love
ASHLEIGH BALL
Mother****** ice-man, I’m the top gunner
Heater on blast, I’m the number one stunner
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Watch it girl cause I ain’t your “Mr. Nice Guy”,
More like the “meet ya take you home and **** you twice guy”
YEAH YEAH!
All dressed up with nowhere to run,
And now I make you feel crazy with the horn
NOW BACK TO THE GOOD PART:
FROM THE DAY SHE WAS BORN, SHE YEARNED FOR MAGIC
Nooo
YOUNG TWILIGHT SPARKLE SHOWING THEM WHAT FOR.
SHE’S THE MAGESS OF PONYVILLE
THE STUDENT OF CELESTIA
(oh God)
BUT IS NIGHTMARE MOON’S CASTLE WHAT LIES IN STORE?
Yeah, we’ve seen the episode

Throw your hands in the air and say hell yeah, come on
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
What?
TARA STRONG
No
From the front to the back say we count stacks come on
NIGHTMARE MOON
Nope
SHADOWBOLTS
Wrong
Michael Bolton we’re really gonna need you to focus up

ROGER THAT LET ME TRY IT WITH ANOTHER SHOW

Wait–

LIFE IS FULL OF DANCING AND MY NAME IS PRINCESS TUTU
(Not better)
THOUGH I’M NOT THE BEST ON STAGE, I GIVE THE PRINCE ALL OF MY LOVE
(Come on!)
OK THEN I’M A DEFENDER OF ETERNIA, HE-MAN IS MY NAME
(Nooo, God)
THEN YOU CAN CALL ME GOKU, SMASHING MOUNTAINS OF FACE
(close enough)
YOU GUYS WANNA PLAY ROUGH? OKAY, I’M POWERED UP

THIS IS THE TALE OF THE SAIYAN GOKU
SPIRIT BOMBS AND KAMEHAMEHAS
(Take it home!)
GOT A CREW OF FIGHTERS, BUT THEIR POWERS ARE USELESS
THIS WHOLE PLANET’S IN TROUBLE, JUST WAITING TO GET SAVED!

Ooookay, turns out Michael Bolton is a major telephile
YOU COMPLETE ME!
Yup, yeah, okay.